From the desk of Different’s co-founder, Alex Suggs:

As someone who identifies as non-binary and uses they/them pronouns, I often get misgendered in and outside of the workplace.

Mistakes happen. I always extend grace. And it still stings. I immediately feel less connected to someone who doesn't appear to see me for me, but day after day I work hard to stay in connection with people. It's kind of my job.

Often times I've found that bystanders don't always know how to step in and support me when they witness me being misgendered. They often give an awkward look because they are aware it has happened but they don't know if they should correct the other person and they wonder if I even noticed. I can tell you, I always notice.

Plus, now I feel even more awkward because I've been made responsible for just moving on or correcting someone myself which feels very vulnerable — especially in a group setting.

People may have different preferences on how you support them in these situations. Here is an easy way to ask someone:

"Hey Alex, as a non-binary person that uses they/them pronouns, how would you like me to step in and support you if I witness you being misgendered?”

Simple as that!

For me personally, here are some ways someone could step in to make me feel supportive in these moments:

1. Pause the conversation and make a quick correction. For example, "Sorry to interrupt, but Alex actually uses they/them pronouns." This is the most direct method.

2. Pause the conversation and create a low stakes learning opportunity. For example, "Real quick, just wanted to check with you, Alex. Do you use they/them pronouns?" This is a little less direct and helps create a condition that allows the other person to feel a bit less under the microscope in that moment. While my comfort should ideally be prioritized, I understand that people respond better when the environment feels safe and conducive to learning.

3. If you don't have a chance to pause the conversation, send a quick message to meeting participants on zoom. For example, "Just wanted to quickly name that Alex uses they/them pronouns in case folks on this call are unaware! Thanks!" Or, follow up with the person that did the misgendering after a meeting or conversation.

Ultimately, the person on your receiving end of the correction may feel awkward or uncomfortable. That's okay! It doesn't mean you did the wrong thing. And, anytime someone has done this supportive act for me in a public setting, I immediately feel so seen and validated — and that's the end goal, right?

Things to keep in mind with all of this:

The goal is never to shame someone. We all learn at a different pace and rarely does someone respond well to being called out.

If you're the one being corrected, recognize that someone would do the same thing if you got their name wrong. It's a simple mistake that can feel incredibly awkward but own up to it and move on committed to doing better.

Want to cultivate connected and cohesive high performing teams? Learn more about our DEI Starter Series!